My standby playtime routine as a child of the ‘80s, when Disney VHS tapes were watched until you could only see tracking lines, was acting out Maid Marian being rescued by Robin Hood. I would swing from my bed, sometimes hanging off the stuffed animal clip chain attached to my ceiling (until it was no longer attached to the ceiling), in a flowing red polka dot dress properly adorned with a blanket veil and a long, twisting string of faux pearls.
Fast forward to today, when I have a beautiful strand of my grandmother’s pearls tucked away in my closet. Sometimes I take them out; sometimes I go so far as to put them on. Yet every time I put on pearls, I feel a bit like I am playing dress up, and away they eventually go, unworn. You might chalk this up to simple nostalgia, synapses in the brain connecting pearls and make believe. But no matter the root cause of the feeling, putting on pearls showcases a deeper-seated anxiety. The pearls scream that I’m fraudulent in the corporate world, inauthentic in the creative world; they’ve become a symbol of a much more systemic problem: imposter syndrome.
What is Imposter Syndrome?
Imposter syndrome isn’t a new thing; coined back in the ‘70s, it is almost a vintage idea. The concept was introduced by Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Suzanne Imes, after their study of 150 high-achieving women discovered that a majority of the study’s participants failed to acknowledge their abilities internally, reducing their wide-ranging successes to being a result of luck, or that others had simply overestimated their abilities and skills. Depression, anxiety and low self-esteem also seemed to go hand in hand with this newly named phenomenon. The idea has since become more fleshed out, as researchers have developed a six dimension scale (at least two of the six dimensions must be present to be true imposter syndrome), conducted studies related to gender and ethnicity, and continued to “treat” the problem through a variety of psychological tools. Imposter syndrome, however, remains only a phenomenon – not a mental disorder listed in the DSM or ICD.
As one might think, new situations commonly cause anxiety about living up to the expectations that someone else has created for or about you. But people who truly suffer from the syndrome are stuck in an imposter cycle (also coined by Clance) – feelings of self-doubt and anxiety about failure cause over-preparation (hard work) or procrastination (luck). When the task is successfully completed, the subject believes it wasn’t because of their ability, but rather because of simple hard work (absent of their own integral tie to this work) or luck, and positive feedback only intensifies these feelings of fraudulence.
I once read about how exclusivity is the key to “it” items; when something has finally reached its way to the masses, it has run its course. By the time that 2020 “color of the year” has fully saturated that ubiquitous bullseyed big box store, it is already being replaced with the newest, more exclusive color. In 1978, imposter syndrome was named to describe the feelings of a tiny subset of the population: 150 high-achieving women, in a world mostly aware only of high-achieving men. Forty years after the phenomenon of imposter syndrome was put into words, its “exclusivity” has been lost. It no longer applies to a tiny subset of the population, but rather has spread to the masses.
Various studies show that something like seventy percent of people now state that they have suffered from feelings of being a fraud, or fear that they will be discovered as a fraud, despite their knowledge, skill set and abilities. In my own poll of kidlit creatives, the percentages were much worse. Only 9% of the group stated that they had never experienced imposter syndrome, and a full 54% stated they experience it often.
The Creative Life and Imposter Syndrome
What exactly is it about creating art for children that leads to a seemingly higher prevalence of imposter syndrome?
As imposter syndrome has become commonplace, so have the ideas of how to “fix” the problem. And at the top of that list is the concept of “faking it ‘til you make it.” This advice has become almost subliminal – if you aren’t confident, put up a front, smile, nod, repeat. But this is a huge problem for people in creative fields.
As a creative, the entirety of your career can arguably be boiled down to two things: subjectivity and authenticity.
But when art is subjective, what does “making it” look like? How long does one have to “fake it” before they’ve become confident in their work?
Author/illustrator Ben Clanton – who has written, illustrated, or edited over 30 books for children – had the following to say regarding the idea of making it:
At the beginning of my career it was ‘getting a book deal’ equals ‘I’ve done it.’ But then I got that first book deal and found representation, and it turned out that I was doubting myself even more than before. So it became ‘if I win that award or become a bestseller’ then ‘I’m worthy.’ But when those things happened for me I found myself going ‘do I deserve this?’
Getting the Deal
It isn’t uncommon for writers and illustrators to get multiple “no” responses before they get a “yes” on the exact same work, whether it be with an agent or an editor. Nearly every rejection letter is filled with boilerplate “please remember publishing is an extremely subjective industry” language. As the pool of self-doubt fills with negative responses, it is easy to see how someone could feel like it isn’t through their own skill when a positive response finally comes, but rather due to simple persistence.
On the flip side, if an artist earns a deal right out of the gate, it is often described as an outlier because it happens so infrequently – good luck, as it were. To further add to the complexity of the issue, those same people who aren’t getting their work published are critiquing and reviewing the work of other artists – are they fraudulent in their reviews because they may or may not add something of value to the manuscript or illustration, when their own work is also being rejected?
Success! Or is it?
You’ve made the deal, and your book is being published. But the ten or twenty or seventy initial negative responses still happened. There will be new negative reviews, stars to be obtained or not, booklists and blog tours from which to be included or excluded. There are large deals with lots of marketing dollars, and small deals with DIY marketing. It is nearly impossible to gauge how well your work is performing with any meaningful definition.
And the plot thickens: now when you critique the work of others or recommend books your opinion has a bit more weight – you’ve received the golden yes. You are a published author. People begin to seek you out, to hear your advice, to ask your opinion. You may be asked to teach a class for aspiring writers or artists, to give critiques for fees at conferences and workshops or to participate in a mentorship contest.
The imposter cycle is now deepening. Do you feign confidence in your own abilities? Fake it ‘til you make it proponents would say yes; the authenticity that artists strive for in their art runs counter to that. Kidlit authors and illustrators – perhaps more than any other genre of authors or artists – are cautioned from their fledgling days to be authentic. We write to encourage kids to be themselves, to show their true colors; that it is perfectly acceptable to be afraid or anxious or sad. As any writer knows, kids have amazing radar for things that don’t ring quite true.
Psychological tools for imposter syndrome do include a measured “fake it” approach, whereby subjects change behaviors and trust that feelings will follow. The key to this approach is intent. Your goal must be to change something inside of you, rather than someone’s perception of you – a difficult distinction indeed.
(Better) Living with Imposter Syndrome
You may only feel the extreme angst brought on by imposter syndrome when faced with a decision (e.g. invitation to teach a class), but the overall feelings still linger, simmering in the background.
Award winning illustrator Charlene Chua commented on the day to day feelings that creatives often experience:
At some level I always think I'm not good enough and it's luck or circumstance that I am where I am. On the other hand, I also think I've done a lot over time and that qualifies my opinions on certain things. So, I don't sit around thinking 'OMG I am a fraud' all the time. But I also genuinely feel 'there are [tons] of people more capable than I am' and it is sometimes a struggle to just accept that, while true to some extent, it's not everything.
As soon as Drs. Clance and Imes developed their theory of imposter syndrome, they began to study therapeutic tools which could minimize its impacts. What they found is what most creatives already know: community is vital. Having mentors or partners can help you make the distinction between genuine negativity, constructive criticism and positive feedback.
What else to try:
“Fake it” only up to the yes
Agree to teach a class, or mentor a fellow writer. But honesty is a virtue, and creatives are in this together. If you feel like you aren’t the best at the task, admit it. If you are terrified at the idea of teaching, you are never going to look weak for admitting that. You might be surprised at what you learn about yourself, and how accepting everyone else is.
Realize they chose you
Charlene’s advice really struck a chord with my personal imposter syndrome in my 9-5 gigs. Her take? When someone reaches out to hire you, realize that they specifically chose you. Telling them that you aren’t so great is insulting to their tastes and desires.
Focus on the little things
Those big goals – getting an agent, getting a deal, winning awards – are good to have, yes. But they shouldn’t be your entire focus.
Where I've found the most success … is when I focus on the small things (and yet big things) …how fun it is to come up with a character or how remarkable it is to take a blank page and with a few lines create meaning. The more I focus on the experience and the less on the perceived result, the happier I tend to be with my work. (Ben Clanton)
To some extent the creative world feeds off of imposter syndrome. The constant feedback loop of writing and illustrating – drafting, revising, critiquing, revising, submitting, revising, submitting, ad nauseam – is a literal quest for perfection. The feeling that you aren’t good enough, or don’t deserve your accolades, drives you to perform harder, persist more diligently…until that lucky day, when you realize it really was your own ability that got you everything you dreamed of – and you wear those pearls proudly.
From the outside, the process of organizing a collection of work should seem the same no matter the project. While it’s true that the steps remain similar, each time a book comes to life, the experience is different.